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Aug. 6th, 2011 10:08 pm[Filter: Private]
There's an old saying. It says that a parent should never bury their own child. It's not natural. Children burying parents, brothers burying sisters, husbands burying wives, that's all sad and tragic and awful, but a father burying his son is wrong.
It felt it.
... I wasn't a good father to the boy. I know it. I've known it all along. It was one thing when he was young and Fenea was alive and I was a new father and the world was full of possibility. It was easy, then. I think I did a good job. At least, I didn't think I did a poor one.
But when she was gone ...
Eh.
It's too late to be looking back and thinking about things I could have done different. A lot changed after I lost Fenea. A hell of a lot. Everything changed, I changed, and part of that was becoming a bad father. Out of all the things I could have changed, well ... Dragons, it's a list long than I am tall, these days. And by the time I thought I might want to regret it, well ...
Still.
I could have visited him more, at the end. I could have done that. And I might have apologized, too, for what a poor excuse for a father I've been for most of his life. That would have been the right thing. I could have spent some time remembering his mother with him. I could have involved him in what's been going on, here. Maybe I could even have talked to him about Devine. Asked his advice. Dragons know, he was a better grandfather than I know how to be. Heh. I would have killed him right then, though, if I had. Me, asking his advice. Heh. Poor Stevie. What would he even have said?
I'm too old to start fixing old mistakes. It gets harder and harder to do that, the older you get, and I'm too damn old to regret that, either. I've lived long enough I don't want to do things that are hard. I do enough of that. I do more than enough.
But I'm not too old to wish I'd done things different. Wish things could have been different. That just gets easier the more time goes on.
Feh.
There's an old saying. It says that a parent should never bury their own child. It's not natural. Children burying parents, brothers burying sisters, husbands burying wives, that's all sad and tragic and awful, but a father burying his son is wrong.
It felt it.
... I wasn't a good father to the boy. I know it. I've known it all along. It was one thing when he was young and Fenea was alive and I was a new father and the world was full of possibility. It was easy, then. I think I did a good job. At least, I didn't think I did a poor one.
But when she was gone ...
Eh.
It's too late to be looking back and thinking about things I could have done different. A lot changed after I lost Fenea. A hell of a lot. Everything changed, I changed, and part of that was becoming a bad father. Out of all the things I could have changed, well ... Dragons, it's a list long than I am tall, these days. And by the time I thought I might want to regret it, well ...
Still.
I could have visited him more, at the end. I could have done that. And I might have apologized, too, for what a poor excuse for a father I've been for most of his life. That would have been the right thing. I could have spent some time remembering his mother with him. I could have involved him in what's been going on, here. Maybe I could even have talked to him about Devine. Asked his advice. Dragons know, he was a better grandfather than I know how to be. Heh. I would have killed him right then, though, if I had. Me, asking his advice. Heh. Poor Stevie. What would he even have said?
I'm too old to start fixing old mistakes. It gets harder and harder to do that, the older you get, and I'm too damn old to regret that, either. I've lived long enough I don't want to do things that are hard. I do enough of that. I do more than enough.
But I'm not too old to wish I'd done things different. Wish things could have been different. That just gets easier the more time goes on.
Feh.
